lunedì 29 giugno 2015

If "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" Were Set In Britain

Daniel Dalton / BuzzFeed / Warner Bros.

1. Buffy would be from Essex.

2. The Hellmouth would be somewhere around Basildon.

3. Buffy would be on the netball team.

4. Or the hockey team.

5. Or the football team, since woman aren't sideline participants in male sports.

6. It would be a lot harder to tell vampires from the regular sickly looking pale people.

7. Especially since they'd all be using fake tan.

8. She’d still be sarcastic, but so would everyone else.

9. Including the vampires.

10. They’d be extra sarcastic, probably.

11. Sarky bastards.

12. The show would involve a lot more banter.

13. Buffy would be among the least violent teens at her high school.

14. She’d spend as much time fighting hooded youths as demons.

15. And football hooligans.

16. And demon hoodies/hooligans.

17. Giles would still be posher than everyone.

18. People would assume he’d got chucked out of Oxford/Cambridge for doing something dodgy.

19. And they'd laugh because he looked just like the guy from the Nescafé ads on telly.

20. Students would actually use the school library for study.

21. And they would all wear school uniforms.

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22. Which would render Darla’s uniform angle useless.

23. Xander would be called Alex.

24. Except on MSN Messenger.

25. He’d be considered quite buff.

26. But still would not be mysterious enough for Buffy.

27. Willow would be the first person in school to be into Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone.

28. The book would pique her interest in magic.

29. And cosplay.

30. She'd play Harry, and she'd make Giles dress up as Dumbledore.

31. Willow and Alex/Xander would have grown up together on a local council estate.

32. They’d love Men Behaving Badly.

33. Which Willow would only pretend to love because Xander loves it.

34. Angel would be from Yorkshire.

35. No one would be surprised that he’s a bit moody.

36. Hearing him say “Buffy” in a Yorkshire accent would never get old.

37. He and Giles would bond over Yorkshire Tea.

38. A big part of Angel and Buffy’s relationship would have been taking the piss out of each other’s accents.

39. She'd find him mysterious because she'd never met an actual Northerner.

40. Buffy would not have been a virgin before she slept with Angel.

41. Xander wouldn’t have been a virgin before he slept with Faith.

42. Nor Willow before Oz.

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43. Nobody in the show would be a virgin.

44. Xander would have left school at 16 and done a carpentry apprenticeship.

45. He’d have his own white van.

46. And would go on at least one lads holiday to Magaluf.

47. Cordelia would still be rich.

48. But she wouldn’t have lost her fortune until the banking crisis in 2008.

49. But she would have gone out partying in east London, pretending not to be rich.

50. She would have taken Buffy to a house party with The Libertines in Bethnal Green.

51. She’d have dated pre-fame Pete Doherty.

52. And would have complained about Kate Moss taking her leftovers.

53. Since she likes a bit of rough, no one would think it was odd that she was dating Xander.

54. Spike would be an actual Londoner.

55. He’d hang out in Camden, mostly.

56. Within 10 metres of Camden Lock.

57. Where punk rock is not yet dead.

58. In “Ted”, Ted would have been played by David Jason.

59. The episode “Bad Beer” would have been titled “Bad Cider”.

60. It would have featured White Lightning and park benches.

61. And it would have been an episode in Season 1, when they were 16, not Season 4.

62. In the first Halloween episode they’d all have turned into drunk teens, since they would not have been in fancy dress.

63. At night they would hang out in a pub, since youth clubs are for 14-year-olds.

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64. The pub would only have live music on a Saturday night.

65. It would be a band that did shit Britpop covers.

66. The same band every week.

67. The same covers.

68. The band would have a comedy name like "No Way Sis".

69. It would probably just be actual Britpop cover band No Way Sis.

70. Oz would be their bassist.

71. He’d hail from Manchester, and have a shit haircut and a Vespa.

72. He would drop more E’s than Gadsby.

73. When he wolfed out he’d just lay there, stroking his own fur.

74. A major plotline would have involved members of parliament as demons.

75. Probably the Hamiltons.

76. There would have definitely been a vampire-in-the-royal-family plot.

77. Probably Charles.

78. Joyce would get excellent medical care for free on the NHS.

79. Giles wouldn’t have to leave, therefore not ruining large chunks of the latter seasons with his absence.

80. After dropping out of uni, Buffy would have worked in a Nando's.

81. Instead of involving actual university studies, Season 4 would have just been an extended freshers' week of drink, drugs, and casual sex.

82. Basically just Skins with vampires.

83. And finally, each season would have been only six episodes long.

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